Breaking the Cycle

In one of my classes I'm taking online this semester we're learning about all of the different family theories. Currently, we're learning about Exchange Theory (rewards-costs=profit) and as we're diving deeper into it this week, we're learning about Family/Domestic Violence. 

This is an interesting topic for me and one I find extremely interesting and enlightening. It also hits close to home for me because I know many people who have been in this situation in real life and seen the affects it has on them. 

In one of our videos we learned about the "Cycle of Violence" and we talked about why people choose to stay in unhealthy relationships despite the abuse they are receiving. When talking about women (or men) who stay in abusive relationships our teacher taught us about the "web of entanglement" and taught us about how easy it is to get tangled up in abuse and then choose to stay due to fear of what might happen if you leave, or believing that all of the abuse being received is their own fault due to their imperfections. 

We talked about how to be kind and understanding of people who are in situations like this, because it's really easy to look in from the outside and say, "Oh my gosh. You're an idiot. Why don't you just leave?! Can't you see what's going on here??" 

But let me just say, that is NEVER an appropriate response to someone who's living in a situation like that. You have NO IDEA what it's like to live a life like that. For many people, they can't "just leave" because they have kids, they have no support, they don't have the money, or they still love their abuser, or any combination of those reasons. People don't usually leave until they hit some kind of breaking point and have a realization that leaving will be the best thing for them and/or their kids. (In following with the Exchange Theory this would mean that the reward must outweigh the cost of leaving.)
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we should always treat people, especially people going through this trial, with as much kindness and understanding as possible. Stop and take a second to put yourself int heir shoes. Try and imagine what it's like to love someone who is cruel to you, to feel trapped, not realizing that there is a way out. It's an incredibly helpless and sad feeling. These people are already subjected to enough cruelty and belittling, they don't need it from someone else. It's amazing what can happen when they are shown genuine love and acceptance. They are able to see that they are worthy of love, that they are good people and they can find a life that isn't full of anxiety, fear, and contempt. You'll be amazed at what people can turn into with a little bit of love thrown their way. So do it. Be kind.


FYI

Something else we learned that I thought was interesting and useful information was learning about the "Cycle of Violence." It goes a little something like this;

1. Anger builds (maybe the spouse, child, etc. does something to irritate the abuser)

2. Violence (this could be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual)

3. Honeymoon (the abuser apologizes, promises to change, makes an effort for a little while)

Three important characteristics of the Cycle are increased severity each time, it goes faster each time, and it reinforces itself. So each time an abusive act is performed, it is almost guaranteed to happen again, and get worse each time. Learn to be an advocate for yourself and the people in your life. Learn to recognize abuse and put a stop to it. It's not easy, and more often than not you can only do this by taking little baby steps. But please recognize that these baby steps are SO IMPORTANT. They will add up eventually, so never give up hope.

Finding Myself

I've never been very good at expressing my feelings. From the time I was little, I somehow learned to push them aside, and shove them down as far as I can. I thought that the better I was at hiding my feelings, the easier it was for me to avoid pain. I'm not exactly sure why I developed that attitude, and I guess it's not really important anyways. The point is, I have spent almost 21 years building an impenetrable wall around myself. I chose bits and pieces to show people, never giving them the full show. I work tirelessly to prove to people (though mostly to myself) that I am in control. I am terrified of letting people know who I really am. I think maybe part of that stems from the fact that I've spent a majority of my life not liking who I am. In my eyes I was never smart enough, pretty enough, spiritual enough, nice enough, etc. I always knew that I could be better. I had to be different because who I was just wasn't good enough.  The standards that I set for myself were absolutely ridiculous. 

In the past year of my life, I've spent a lot of time reflecting and changing. I tried to find new perspectives, meet new people, discover things about myself that I didn't know. It was...is hard. I learned things about myself that I didn't like, but I've also been able to learn things about myself that I love. I'm starting to realize that there are a lot of things to love about me. 

One thing in particular that I've tried to change about myself is the habit I've gotten into of pleasing people. My feelings of inadequacy and dislike for myself ran so deep that I believed I wasn't someone worth loving. Being unable to love myself, I thought that for sure nobody else could ever love me. I was too imperfect, I made too many mistakes. How could anyone find something about me that was worth loving? Yet I craved acceptance. I longed for someone to tell me that I was wrong, to tell me how amazing I am and how easy it is to love me. I let my worth become something that depended on other people's opinions. All it took was a tiny comment or criticism to send me spinning in a downward spiral of self hatred. 

The older I got, the more obvious it became to me that I had to make some changes. I couldn't keep going through life like this. If you know me, you know that I am religious. Throughout my life, the one thing that kept me afloat was a sure knowledge of a Father in Heaven who loved me and a Savior who understood my pains and anxieties better than anyone else. Throughout high school I spent a lot of time on my knees, praying for help, for comfort, and guidance. When I would lay in bed some nights feeling lonely and sad, I'd pray and pray that someone would just call me, or text me, do something to show me that they cared about me. Just once, I wanted someone to go out of their way to show me that I matter. Most of the time, it never came...or so I thought. 

Eventually I graduated high school and moved on to college, surrounding myself with new experiences and new people. My college experience has been the same as most people's I'd assume, friendships, late nights, relationships, and a bit of schoolwork. It became apparent to me that I was looking in all the wrong places for the kind of love I was craving. I always thought that if I could just find the perfect guy, things would be different. He would love me, and that would make me love myself. Boy, was I wrong. I flitted in and out of relationships, it felt like I was just racking up the failures. It's kind of like that line in "Shake It Off" (by Taylor Swift of course). "I go on too many dates, but I can't make them stay." I thought for sure there must be something wrong with me. I spent many nights fretting and trying to figure out what was wrong with me and what I could do to fix it, I'd never felt so unlovable in my life.  

Meanwhile, I had many amazing friends who listened to me repeat the same worries over and over, held me when I cried, ate ice cream with me when I needed it, everything a girl could ask for in friends. It started to occur to me that if I want more love, I should just say so. (Thank you, John Mayer, for writing beautiful lyrics that speak to my soul.) I began to open up a little bit to my friends (you know who you are), and share some of my fears and anxieties with them. It was the most freeing feeling in the world, trusting people. 

 It literally took me until a few weeks ago to realize that there are people in my life who love me...despite my imperfections and quirks. It took me a while to recognize it, but now that my eyes are open to it I don't know how I could have ever doubted that. I am so incredibly blessed, and I just wish I had realized that sooner. Being aware of our blessings makes life so much more enjoyable. Everyday can be a pretty good day if you take a moment to see all the things that have gone right and the things that bring you joy. Give it a try, you might be surprised at how happy you can be!

"He's Just Not That Into You"

Over the past few days I had the privilege of reading the book, "He's Just Not That Into You".  Wow, was it an eye opener. At first as I was reading this book I was a little offended, definitely a little defensive. But as I kept reading I began to see what the authors, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo were talking about. There was one chapter in particular that really hit home with me. 

"he's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you" 

Now you would think this is common knowledge, if a guy breaks up with you, obviously he doesn't want to be with you...right? But how many times have you been dumped and still held onto hope that the man who just broke your heart will somehow realize how incredible you are and want to get back with you? Or maybe they broke up with you but still want to be your friend because they're not quite ready to have you out of their life yet.  If you haven't, well good for you, no need to read the rest of this. If you're anything like me though, you've held onto hope. I just want to put a few paragraphs from the book here for you to read, hopefully it will open your eyes to the reality of being dumped.

"Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company. If aliens haven't recently abducted your beloved and switched his brain for the brain of a guy who's really into you, please consider the option that the bum maybe just got a little lonely." 

Now this is kind of a slap in the face, but it's true. I don't think I've ever quite thought about the reality of being dumped and what it means, but this definitely opened my eyes to it. Each person in this world is deserving of love. We deserve to find someone who adores us and wants to make the sacrifices necessary to be with us. It may take a long time to find this person, but eventually we all will. When the stars align and the timing is right, we will meet the person who wants to be with us more than anything. Until then, do your best to stay positive and avoid guys who are just not that into you. Remember that you deserve better than that!

Learning to Fly

What if I fall? 
What if I fail? 
What if I jump and hit the ground face first? 

These are all valid questions. Ones I'm sure we've all asked ourselves many times. I know I have. The thought of failing at something is scary, I think anyone would be willing to admit that. Sometimes the fear of failure is so real that it's crippling. I know that I've personally had many times in my life where I've chosen to pass up an opportunity for growth and change because I was too scared of what would happen if I didn't succeed. It's human nature to want to be successful. I think it's what drives us to keep going forward. If we never had any incentive to succeed at something, we wouldn't keep going after it; we wouldn't keep letting our hearts get broken in our pursuit of love, we wouldn't keep plugging through school, and we wouldn't keep giving people second chances. I know how scary it can be to get back up on your feet after being knocked down. When you're sitting on the ground it's easy to stay there. If you stay small, you never have to risk getting beat down again. But is that any way to live?  I think that even accepting the fact that you've failed could be a success. It's important to realize that failing doesn't mean it's the end. It means you have another chance. Sometimes failure is the thing that leads us to our greatest success. It's in those moments of complete and utter failure that we are able to truly see our potential and get a hold of it. We are each capable of amazing things, it's just a matter of believing in ourselves. Once you have that faith, there's nothing that can stop you. 

So next time you're feeling defeated, consider this, what if you don't fall? What if you fly? What if you take that leap of faith and you go soaring? This could be the moment you've been waiting for, so don't be afraid to take it. 

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you're going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

Honesty Is Always the Best Policy

Why is it always hardest to be honest with the people you love the most? You would think that because you love them, it’d be easy to be straightforward with them, and I guess sometimes it is. But most of the time, at least for me, it is so hard, I never want to be the bearer of bad news. I want to be the good friend who never messes up and is always supportive. I would hate knowing that I caused someone I love so much to hurt.

The longer I live, the more unrealistic I realize that is for 2 reasons; 1) nobody is perfect, we’re all flawed (which means I will always be a flawed friend), and 2) you’re not really being a good friend by holding back the truth from people. It almost makes you the opposite of a good friend. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to love someone enough to tell them no, or to tell them when they are being rude and irrational. If you don’t, you’re letting them continue to act in a way that isn’t good for them.

I have never been one for confrontations. I tend to let things slide that I really shouldn’t because I can’t stand when people are upset with me. It makes me sick when people are upset with me.  I’ve realized recently that this is a selfish way of living. I don’t address things that need to be addressed simply because I’m scared and I don’t want someone to be mad at me. When I think back, I remember my friends who told me when I was being mean or doing something I shouldn’t be doing and I don’t doubt that they cared about me. I know that they loved me enough to tell me, and it didn’t ruin our friendships, it made them stronger. You simply cannot have a healthy relationship if you can’t talk about things…all things. You have to be willing to hear (and tell) the good and the bad. It may be hard to accept, but if someone stops being your friend because you were honest with them, they really aren’t worth keeping around. I feel like the older I get the more I realize how important it is to surround yourself with good people. You have to weed out the ones that bring you down and stick with the ones who actually care.

When you spend years letting someone get away with things, it tends to wear on you. And odds are, they don’t even know how you’re feeling because you never had the guts to tell them that when they did something it upset you or hurt your feelings. So they keep on doing it, and you keep on getting upset about it. It’s a not a healthy way to live, it doesn’t benefit anyone.

It’s important to learn when to speak up. Honesty can be a very helpful, good thing, but you have to know when it’s appropriate and how to deliver the truth. If it’s said at the wrong time or for the wrong reasons, it will only cause damage.

So don’t wait until it’s too late, don’t wait until your relationship is barely hanging on. Tell the truth love someone enough to be honest with them, love them enough to help them overcome their weaknesses. Relationships are not about making other people like you, they are about helping other people to become the best possible version of themselves. That doesn’t happen when you’re letting things slide and pretending what they do doesn’t hurt your feelings. Speak up, for the ones you love. Don’t let them go through life clueless.

"I Know That My Redeemer Lives"

I am so thankful that I have been able to build a relationship with my Savior. He is my nearest and dearest friend. I know, without a doubt, that He is always there for me. He cries with me, laughs with me, listens to me, and most of all, He loves me. He has a never-ending supply of love for me. I know that I can turn to Him with any problem that I am facing and He will comfort me and help me through it. 

He knows, better than anyone, exactly what I am feeling and what I am going through. He felt it all for me so that when I came to earth He would be able to comfort me when I stand in need of comfort and mourn with me in times of sorrow. He truly is my kind, wise, Heavenly friend. He will never fail me. When everything else fails, He is there. He is rooting for me. He is on my side, and He will NEVER give up on me. 

My Savior is my best friend, and He can be everyone’s best friend. He is just waiting for the day when we all return home to Him and He is finally able to greet us with a huge hug. No matter how far we try to stray from our Savior, He is always right beside us, waiting for us to turn to Him and accept His helping hand. Christ wants us to trust Him, and to talk to Him. 

I know for a fact that Jesus Christ is the Savior of this world. I know that He died on the cross for every single person who will ever live, and I know that He suffered for every single one of our sorrows and sins. He knows how it feels when we fail a test, He knows how it feels when we get rejected, He knows how it feels when a family member dies, and He knows how it feels to be lonely. 

He suffered so that He could comfort us in our darkest days. And He yearns for us to understand that this is only a small moment in our lives. There are brighter times ahead, and He knows that. Christ knows that things will get better, and He can’t wait to celebrate those times with us. What an amazing thing our Savior did for us. I am infinitely grateful for His sacrifice and everything He does for me daily. We weren’t made to go through this life alone, so don’t try. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there, and they want to help us. So don’t be afraid to reach out your hand, they will never let you down.

Lessons Learned

Sometimes you have to put yourself first. In order to help other people become their best selves, you must first be happy. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that you have to learn how to be happy by yourself. You can’t go through life counting on other people to make you happy. You won’t ever truly be happy that way. I hate to break this to you, but people aren’t perfect, and they’ll disappoint you. First and foremost in your life should be the Savior. If you keep your life centered on Him and the love He has for everyone, you’ll find yourself happier than you could ever imagine.

In the past few months I’ve found myself on the long and exciting road to happiness. I’ve been searching and praying and trying so hard to find it. I had an empty feeling in me, and a sadness that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I knew that I should be happy, and I tried my best everyday to be happy, but it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized what I was missing. I needed a more positive outlook on life, and I needed help to get it. I ended up doing the exact thing I should have done at the beginning of my journey; turn to my Father in Heaven. I prayed every day that He would help me to see things through a brighter lens and find “joy in the journey”.

It was amazing to me how instant my results were, as soon as I had asked my Heavenly Father for help with something specific, I noticed a huge change in my life. Nothing had really changed except for me. I still had the same life, the same problems, and the same trials, but I began to see everything as a blessing to me. I realized all of the wonderful lessons I had learned through my trials, and I began to see how much I had grown and evolved.

As I began to see my life in this cheery light, I couldn’t contain the love I have for my Heavenly Father. Where I’d once felt bitter and confused, I now felt happy and I understood why I had been put through certain things. My heart was so full I thought my chest was going to burst. I didn’t even know how to begin thanking Him for everything He’d done for me. I realized that even though at times I’d been in potentially dangerous situations, He had guided me out and kept me safe. Some trials I went through and came out knowing how to connect and empathize better with people than I could before. My heart was softened and I was able to see past all of the bad and the hurt I’d been through and truly be thankful for it. I even found myself able to let go of things that I’d been holding onto for so long.

I worked hard everyday to make sure I was praying and reading my scriptures and looking for the good instead of the bad. It was amazing to me what happened when I kept my life centered on Christ. I felt like the Grinch did the day his heart grew 3 sizes bigger than it used to be. I felt so much love for everyone around me and I could see them as beautiful, special children of God.

I am so thankful for all the bumps along my road, each one has shaped me into the person I am today. I know, now more than ever, that we are truly never alone. Our Heavenly Father and our Savior are with us every step of the way. They hold our hand and listen when we need it, and they intervene if they need to. They know us better than anyone, and they know what lessons we need to learn in order to live a happier life and bring more joy to people. I know that becoming a happy person might be hard, it hurts to grow, but the end result is so worth it. We are able to reach our potential and become a person we never imagined we could be. Take time to look around you and recognize all that God has provided you with, put on your happy glasses and see things in a more positive way. You won’t regret any of it, and someday you will be able to look back and say, “I did it. I really did it.” Life is too short too waste any second being anything but happy; drink in the small moments that define who you are, they are precious learning moments from above, don’t waste them.

A Positive View

In the past few days I began to realize something about myself. I have become a coward. I used to have big dreams and goals for my life. I wanted to travel places, and fall in love, and write a book, and live a life full of laughter and love. The past few days I discovered that I have slowly become a person who shies away from dreaming big and taking chances. I used to be fearless and full of hope, excited at the possibility of finding love and discovering who I truly am.

Somehow, I let fear creep into my life and slowly consume me. I find myself constantly trying to tell myself that I shouldn’t hope too much because then I will be disappointed if things don’t turn out the way I expected. I try to protect myself from sadness and failure. What a tragic way I’ve been living my life. I have missed out on so many wonderful opportunities. I let my insecurities and doubts get the best of me. I came to the realization tonight that I need to stop living that way. Life is meant for living. We are here to feel and experience things in their entirety. We should be hoping for things with all of our heart, and when they don’t work out, we shouldn’t pretend like we’re fine and its no big deal. Let those feelings out! Cry until you can’t anymore, let yourself feel the disappointment, then give yourself a good kick in the butt and get back on that darn horse. 

Think of a new dream, set a new goal and get to work on it. The beautiful thing about being human is that we have amazing brains that have this wonderful thing called an imagination. We were given those for a reason, to use them. We are able to create whole new worlds in our minds and dream big.

We were given the ability to hope for a reason. It gives us the opportunity to start again and believe in the best. We shouldn’t be afraid of hoping. Hope gives us a reason to smile every morning and every night as we go to sleep. There is hope on the horizon for a better, brand new tomorrow where anything is possible.

Explore the things that make you laugh and bring you joy. Be who you want to be, try to be your best self every single day. Get dressed up, put on some make up that makes your eyes pop, why the heck not? Show the world you’re ready for what it has to throw at you. Experience life and let it move you and change you. That’s why we’re here. Take advantage of that, and live everyday to the fullest.

^Whole Wide World-Mindy Gledhill