I've never been very good at expressing my feelings. From the time I was little, I somehow learned to push them aside, and shove them down as far as I can. I thought that the better I was at hiding my feelings, the easier it was for me to avoid pain. I'm not exactly sure why I developed that attitude, and I guess it's not really important anyways. The point is, I have spent almost 21 years building an impenetrable wall around myself. I chose bits and pieces to show people, never giving them the full show. I work tirelessly to prove to people (though mostly to myself) that I am in control. I am terrified of letting people know who I really am. I think maybe part of that stems from the fact that I've spent a majority of my life not liking who I am. In my eyes I was never smart enough, pretty enough, spiritual enough, nice enough, etc. I always knew that I could be better. I had to be different because who I was just wasn't good enough. The standards that I set for myself were absolutely ridiculous.
In the past year of my life, I've spent a lot of time reflecting and changing. I tried to find new perspectives, meet new people, discover things about myself that I didn't know. It was...is hard. I learned things about myself that I didn't like, but I've also been able to learn things about myself that I love. I'm starting to realize that there are a lot of things to love about me.
One thing in particular that I've tried to change about myself is the habit I've gotten into of pleasing people. My feelings of inadequacy and dislike for myself ran so deep that I believed I wasn't someone worth loving. Being unable to love myself, I thought that for sure nobody else could ever love me. I was too imperfect, I made too many mistakes. How could anyone find something about me that was worth loving? Yet I craved acceptance. I longed for someone to tell me that I was wrong, to tell me how amazing I am and how easy it is to love me. I let my worth become something that depended on other people's opinions. All it took was a tiny comment or criticism to send me spinning in a downward spiral of self hatred.
The older I got, the more obvious it became to me that I had to make some changes. I couldn't keep going through life like this. If you know me, you know that I am religious. Throughout my life, the one thing that kept me afloat was a sure knowledge of a Father in Heaven who loved me and a Savior who understood my pains and anxieties better than anyone else. Throughout high school I spent a lot of time on my knees, praying for help, for comfort, and guidance. When I would lay in bed some nights feeling lonely and sad, I'd pray and pray that someone would just call me, or text me, do something to show me that they cared about me. Just once, I wanted someone to go out of their way to show me that I matter. Most of the time, it never came...or so I thought.
Eventually I graduated high school and moved on to college, surrounding myself with new experiences and new people. My college experience has been the same as most people's I'd assume, friendships, late nights, relationships, and a bit of schoolwork. It became apparent to me that I was looking in all the wrong places for the kind of love I was craving. I always thought that if I could just find the perfect guy, things would be different. He would love me, and that would make me love myself. Boy, was I wrong. I flitted in and out of relationships, it felt like I was just racking up the failures. It's kind of like that line in "Shake It Off" (by Taylor Swift of course). "I go on too many dates, but I can't make them stay." I thought for sure there must be something wrong with me. I spent many nights fretting and trying to figure out what was wrong with me and what I could do to fix it, I'd never felt so unlovable in my life.
Meanwhile, I had many amazing friends who listened to me repeat the same worries over and over, held me when I cried, ate ice cream with me when I needed it, everything a girl could ask for in friends. It started to occur to me that if I want more love, I should just say so. (Thank you, John Mayer, for writing beautiful lyrics that speak to my soul.) I began to open up a little bit to my friends (you know who you are), and share some of my fears and anxieties with them. It was the most freeing feeling in the world, trusting people.
It literally took me until a few weeks ago to realize that there are people in my life who love me...despite my imperfections and quirks. It took me a while to recognize it, but now that my eyes are open to it I don't know how I could have ever doubted that. I am so incredibly blessed, and I just wish I had realized that sooner. Being aware of our blessings makes life so much more enjoyable. Everyday can be a pretty good day if you take a moment to see all the things that have gone right and the things that bring you joy. Give it a try, you might be surprised at how happy you can be!
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