Finding Myself

I've never been very good at expressing my feelings. From the time I was little, I somehow learned to push them aside, and shove them down as far as I can. I thought that the better I was at hiding my feelings, the easier it was for me to avoid pain. I'm not exactly sure why I developed that attitude, and I guess it's not really important anyways. The point is, I have spent almost 21 years building an impenetrable wall around myself. I chose bits and pieces to show people, never giving them the full show. I work tirelessly to prove to people (though mostly to myself) that I am in control. I am terrified of letting people know who I really am. I think maybe part of that stems from the fact that I've spent a majority of my life not liking who I am. In my eyes I was never smart enough, pretty enough, spiritual enough, nice enough, etc. I always knew that I could be better. I had to be different because who I was just wasn't good enough.  The standards that I set for myself were absolutely ridiculous. 

In the past year of my life, I've spent a lot of time reflecting and changing. I tried to find new perspectives, meet new people, discover things about myself that I didn't know. It was...is hard. I learned things about myself that I didn't like, but I've also been able to learn things about myself that I love. I'm starting to realize that there are a lot of things to love about me. 

One thing in particular that I've tried to change about myself is the habit I've gotten into of pleasing people. My feelings of inadequacy and dislike for myself ran so deep that I believed I wasn't someone worth loving. Being unable to love myself, I thought that for sure nobody else could ever love me. I was too imperfect, I made too many mistakes. How could anyone find something about me that was worth loving? Yet I craved acceptance. I longed for someone to tell me that I was wrong, to tell me how amazing I am and how easy it is to love me. I let my worth become something that depended on other people's opinions. All it took was a tiny comment or criticism to send me spinning in a downward spiral of self hatred. 

The older I got, the more obvious it became to me that I had to make some changes. I couldn't keep going through life like this. If you know me, you know that I am religious. Throughout my life, the one thing that kept me afloat was a sure knowledge of a Father in Heaven who loved me and a Savior who understood my pains and anxieties better than anyone else. Throughout high school I spent a lot of time on my knees, praying for help, for comfort, and guidance. When I would lay in bed some nights feeling lonely and sad, I'd pray and pray that someone would just call me, or text me, do something to show me that they cared about me. Just once, I wanted someone to go out of their way to show me that I matter. Most of the time, it never came...or so I thought. 

Eventually I graduated high school and moved on to college, surrounding myself with new experiences and new people. My college experience has been the same as most people's I'd assume, friendships, late nights, relationships, and a bit of schoolwork. It became apparent to me that I was looking in all the wrong places for the kind of love I was craving. I always thought that if I could just find the perfect guy, things would be different. He would love me, and that would make me love myself. Boy, was I wrong. I flitted in and out of relationships, it felt like I was just racking up the failures. It's kind of like that line in "Shake It Off" (by Taylor Swift of course). "I go on too many dates, but I can't make them stay." I thought for sure there must be something wrong with me. I spent many nights fretting and trying to figure out what was wrong with me and what I could do to fix it, I'd never felt so unlovable in my life.  

Meanwhile, I had many amazing friends who listened to me repeat the same worries over and over, held me when I cried, ate ice cream with me when I needed it, everything a girl could ask for in friends. It started to occur to me that if I want more love, I should just say so. (Thank you, John Mayer, for writing beautiful lyrics that speak to my soul.) I began to open up a little bit to my friends (you know who you are), and share some of my fears and anxieties with them. It was the most freeing feeling in the world, trusting people. 

 It literally took me until a few weeks ago to realize that there are people in my life who love me...despite my imperfections and quirks. It took me a while to recognize it, but now that my eyes are open to it I don't know how I could have ever doubted that. I am so incredibly blessed, and I just wish I had realized that sooner. Being aware of our blessings makes life so much more enjoyable. Everyday can be a pretty good day if you take a moment to see all the things that have gone right and the things that bring you joy. Give it a try, you might be surprised at how happy you can be!

"He's Just Not That Into You"

Over the past few days I had the privilege of reading the book, "He's Just Not That Into You".  Wow, was it an eye opener. At first as I was reading this book I was a little offended, definitely a little defensive. But as I kept reading I began to see what the authors, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo were talking about. There was one chapter in particular that really hit home with me. 

"he's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you" 

Now you would think this is common knowledge, if a guy breaks up with you, obviously he doesn't want to be with you...right? But how many times have you been dumped and still held onto hope that the man who just broke your heart will somehow realize how incredible you are and want to get back with you? Or maybe they broke up with you but still want to be your friend because they're not quite ready to have you out of their life yet.  If you haven't, well good for you, no need to read the rest of this. If you're anything like me though, you've held onto hope. I just want to put a few paragraphs from the book here for you to read, hopefully it will open your eyes to the reality of being dumped.

"Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company. If aliens haven't recently abducted your beloved and switched his brain for the brain of a guy who's really into you, please consider the option that the bum maybe just got a little lonely." 

Now this is kind of a slap in the face, but it's true. I don't think I've ever quite thought about the reality of being dumped and what it means, but this definitely opened my eyes to it. Each person in this world is deserving of love. We deserve to find someone who adores us and wants to make the sacrifices necessary to be with us. It may take a long time to find this person, but eventually we all will. When the stars align and the timing is right, we will meet the person who wants to be with us more than anything. Until then, do your best to stay positive and avoid guys who are just not that into you. Remember that you deserve better than that!

Learning to Fly

What if I fall? 
What if I fail? 
What if I jump and hit the ground face first? 

These are all valid questions. Ones I'm sure we've all asked ourselves many times. I know I have. The thought of failing at something is scary, I think anyone would be willing to admit that. Sometimes the fear of failure is so real that it's crippling. I know that I've personally had many times in my life where I've chosen to pass up an opportunity for growth and change because I was too scared of what would happen if I didn't succeed. It's human nature to want to be successful. I think it's what drives us to keep going forward. If we never had any incentive to succeed at something, we wouldn't keep going after it; we wouldn't keep letting our hearts get broken in our pursuit of love, we wouldn't keep plugging through school, and we wouldn't keep giving people second chances. I know how scary it can be to get back up on your feet after being knocked down. When you're sitting on the ground it's easy to stay there. If you stay small, you never have to risk getting beat down again. But is that any way to live?  I think that even accepting the fact that you've failed could be a success. It's important to realize that failing doesn't mean it's the end. It means you have another chance. Sometimes failure is the thing that leads us to our greatest success. It's in those moments of complete and utter failure that we are able to truly see our potential and get a hold of it. We are each capable of amazing things, it's just a matter of believing in ourselves. Once you have that faith, there's nothing that can stop you. 

So next time you're feeling defeated, consider this, what if you don't fall? What if you fly? What if you take that leap of faith and you go soaring? This could be the moment you've been waiting for, so don't be afraid to take it. 

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you're going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.” 

― C. JoyBell C.