Breaking the Cycle

In one of my classes I'm taking online this semester we're learning about all of the different family theories. Currently, we're learning about Exchange Theory (rewards-costs=profit) and as we're diving deeper into it this week, we're learning about Family/Domestic Violence. 

This is an interesting topic for me and one I find extremely interesting and enlightening. It also hits close to home for me because I know many people who have been in this situation in real life and seen the affects it has on them. 

In one of our videos we learned about the "Cycle of Violence" and we talked about why people choose to stay in unhealthy relationships despite the abuse they are receiving. When talking about women (or men) who stay in abusive relationships our teacher taught us about the "web of entanglement" and taught us about how easy it is to get tangled up in abuse and then choose to stay due to fear of what might happen if you leave, or believing that all of the abuse being received is their own fault due to their imperfections. 

We talked about how to be kind and understanding of people who are in situations like this, because it's really easy to look in from the outside and say, "Oh my gosh. You're an idiot. Why don't you just leave?! Can't you see what's going on here??" 

But let me just say, that is NEVER an appropriate response to someone who's living in a situation like that. You have NO IDEA what it's like to live a life like that. For many people, they can't "just leave" because they have kids, they have no support, they don't have the money, or they still love their abuser, or any combination of those reasons. People don't usually leave until they hit some kind of breaking point and have a realization that leaving will be the best thing for them and/or their kids. (In following with the Exchange Theory this would mean that the reward must outweigh the cost of leaving.)
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we should always treat people, especially people going through this trial, with as much kindness and understanding as possible. Stop and take a second to put yourself int heir shoes. Try and imagine what it's like to love someone who is cruel to you, to feel trapped, not realizing that there is a way out. It's an incredibly helpless and sad feeling. These people are already subjected to enough cruelty and belittling, they don't need it from someone else. It's amazing what can happen when they are shown genuine love and acceptance. They are able to see that they are worthy of love, that they are good people and they can find a life that isn't full of anxiety, fear, and contempt. You'll be amazed at what people can turn into with a little bit of love thrown their way. So do it. Be kind.


FYI

Something else we learned that I thought was interesting and useful information was learning about the "Cycle of Violence." It goes a little something like this;

1. Anger builds (maybe the spouse, child, etc. does something to irritate the abuser)

2. Violence (this could be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual)

3. Honeymoon (the abuser apologizes, promises to change, makes an effort for a little while)

Three important characteristics of the Cycle are increased severity each time, it goes faster each time, and it reinforces itself. So each time an abusive act is performed, it is almost guaranteed to happen again, and get worse each time. Learn to be an advocate for yourself and the people in your life. Learn to recognize abuse and put a stop to it. It's not easy, and more often than not you can only do this by taking little baby steps. But please recognize that these baby steps are SO IMPORTANT. They will add up eventually, so never give up hope.